Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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