OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
