SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
