You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
