Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
