On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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