Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
