Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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