he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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