I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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