The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
