I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
