what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
