I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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