Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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