Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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