I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
