Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
