i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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