It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
