I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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