Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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