The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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