i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
