franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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