Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
