I want to make a zoo with you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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