you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
