I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize