watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
