I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
