today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
