They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
