dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
