I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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