i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The Olympian is in my bed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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