I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
