So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I want to stick my p in your. b.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
