why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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