Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
