Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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