I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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