you're like a bully in the Christmas story
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
