i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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