i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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