I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
