I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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