The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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