Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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