I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
