I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
