Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
