tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
why do cheetos always look like penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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