i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
